Patient Stories #3: Stay Alive

On my MICU rotation I saw a wide variety of serious medical conditions. Heart problems, lung problems, sepsis, COVID (of course), and lots and lots of alcohol withdrawal (from drinking “Wisconsibly”, as they say). I also saw an uncanny number of attempted suicides — three in two weeks, which the nurses told me was a distressingly high number for that short of a time period.

They were all highly distressing for different reasons, but the one that struck me the most was a senior in college. This girl on the outside was the epitome of perfection: star athlete, star student, prom queen, political intern, member of multiple charity societies. She was the oldest of three sisters and had a loving family. And eventually she believed the lie that all of the people she affected would be better off without her.

I remember being her age and feeling the way she did almost like it was yesterday.

The first one and a half years of college for me were absolutely horrible. I came in as an overconfident 17-year-old who had spent her life using academic performance to prove people wrong about me. My identity was wrapped up in how well I did academically. Rather unsurprisingly, Harvard shattered my academic performance expectations within a couple of weeks. I was perpetually behind for two years, essentially going from crisis to crisis. The more I fell behind in school, the bigger my anxiety became, and the anxiety made it even harder to catch up in school. My parents were frustrated. My siblings were frustrated. No one could understand why I couldn’t just do the work. 

I was shattered. I had always been the good girl, and here I was failing everyone who loved me. By the time I was nearing 20, I was ready to give up. I couldn’t see any way out of my crisis. The way I saw it, I had failed everyone I loved, and I was therefore unlovable. Multiple times, I contemplated ending my own life.

With the help of God and my incredible family, I was able to see that I was lovable despite all of my mistakes. Day by day I regained my self esteem and I eventually caught up with my schoolwork. 

It has been eight years since that season. Many things have happened to me and my loved ones since then. Last year, after eight years of traveling coast to coast for education, I came back to my home region for residency. My brother also came back home after a similarly long-winded journey. My parents have LOVED having the two of us back home. Every chance I get I make the drive back home, and every time I come home, it’s like I’ve been gone forever. We are always so happy to see each other. 

Other things have happened. My cousin got married and had a beautiful baby boy on my brother’s birthday, and she named her son after my brother. My sister met and married a wonderful man within a year, and I’ve been asked to be a bridesmaid at her wedding. I’ve visited friends from college and med school in almost every part of the country and even around the world.

And now, I think how horribly permanent it would have been if I had ended my own life before I got to see these things. Eight years later, I am able to see how many people would miss me.

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The spirit of depression and suicide lied to me and to my patient. Like a dark cloud, it obscured the obvious void that we would leave if we were gone and told us that surely, our families’ and friends’ lives would be more fulfilled and less burdened without us. I was fortunate enough to get out from under there and see the fallacy. My patient unfortunately was trapped. And now, her friends and family and acquaintances and everyone who loved her will live for the rest of their lives with an emptiness that will never be filled.

So reader, let me end this by telling you the truth that the depression and suicidal ideation doesn’t want you to know:

You are loved.

Even in your most flawed, mistake-ridden, sinful state, you are loved.

You have a purpose. Even though you may not see it now, you are important and useful.

There are people on this planet who are benefitting and will benefit from being around you specifically.

No one else can make the exact impact on the world that you make.

Your worth is not in your job, your academics, the amount of money you make, how well you do in sports, or anything you do in general. You have intrinsic worth because that is how God made you.

There are many people that love you. And there are many people who know you and even people who don’t know you who would be very sad, confused, distressed and angry if you were to take your own life.

And if you can’t think of any person on this planet who loves you, then I can tell you that God loves you.